Glad I’m getting my Louisiana therapist back,via phone sessions, because I find I just don’t want to live anymore. Too much ruin. Too much lacking of joy or friendliness overall.
And I hope I’m not here next holiday rampage. To die seems so much nicer… I’ve never felt this way until I returned to Oregon. And never really felt it seriously until being forced to come back to the homeplace & take up with the family I escaped in the ’80s. My ex’s family was so much nicer & understanding, truly loving. But that is lost, gone to memory. “The devil in the details” – just uttered by Jim White in a song. Plus, my only truest companion is over, lost to the ether my dog of 16 years, LeNoira June, has perished). We all die, why isn’t that an option?
My symptoms are only worsening. Nothing is glued down. All floats away…
Yesterday, a year ago, I went in for a Biopsy & all sickness was unleashed for a week & then in a month, another week. Yesterday I went in for an EEG & MRI. I know those aren’t tied to my meningitis or pneumonia, but one worries… EEG was way too bright & the MRI was too loud, even with the provided earplugs. Today I feel weird, feel different than the off-nee I have been feeling since the Nov. 15 pair of tonic-clonic/grand mal seizures, with two weeks littered by Partial seizures. All I can call it is “weird.” A nonexistent tiny insect is crawling on my left wrist. All I think is the EEG, but possibly the other.
Tomorrow, my pal who used to live in southern Louisiana & then moved to Arizona after K@trina got us, is coming for the New Year leap. I just hope my “weird”-ness is gone by then. By then, I wish I will be me again.